In a rut

I am sitting here in a rut - this day being the 12th day I have been sick - fever, chills, aches, awful congestion, coughing, ear ache, jaw ache, sore throat....  I finally feel a little itty bit better today and have had no fever today.  Lincoln came down with RSV and an ear infection the same time I started to get sick but after breathing treatments and some antibiotics he is doing good now.  Before I got sick Liam and Lance were REALLY sick for a week and a half.  These last 3 weeks have completely drained me.  I have spent way too many nights being up with sick kids and being up just because I was so congested I could not breathe.  We have spent way too many days cooped up in our house.  Most days I have felt like I could barely move let alone take care of 3 children.  Thank Heavens for Rob who has not gotten sick and has spent every possible moment he could taking care of us.  He has been amazing - I am one lucky girl.  I think it is a miracle that he has not gotten sick.

I just have to be honest - having three kids is a challenge when I am not sick so these last few weeks have just about killed me.  I feel like my spirit and my heart have been just as sick as my body.  I feel like I have been broken down to the point where I feel like I have nothing left to give.  If you think I am being dramatic I am not - it has been that bad.  I am the compassionate service leader in my ward and I have just been dreading answering a phone call that someone else in the ward had a baby or is sick and needs meals - I just can't even take care of myself!  I have to say that I think Heavenly Father knew what an awful state I was in because last week I had many random calls from friends asking how I was doing.  My brother and two of my good friends brought us dinner last week - which was totally unexpected & I totally did not feel like I deserved it or that anyone should have to bring me meals when I am sick.  My sister in law helped watch my kids.  Also, it totally blew me out of the water when my two single brother-in-laws volunteered to watch my boys as well.  It is really hard for me to except help from people and I know that people have enough of their own burdens so it was a humbling week and I am still amazed that people were sooo nice to me.  They may be what kept me out of a mental institution last week.

Last wednesday was a particularly rough day - I was sicker than sick and felt like I could barely move.  Rob came home for dinner (which my friend dropped off - thank you again!) before he had to run off to his Elder's Quorum meeting - I told him he should not miss it because he had to miss the week before.  Liam and Lance were wrestling and being crazy and Lincoln was screaming.  Rob and I looked at each other - exhausted  - and let out a joke about how 3 kids is a big handful and maybe we were done having kids - he he (not thinking that our kids may be listening).  Then Rob ran to his meeting and I had to work up the energy to get the kids to bed somehow.  They were being particularly crazy and  disobedient and I could not handle it.  I just broke down and said, "I just can't handle you guys anymore."  Not my proudest moment.  Liam got a serious look on his face and said to me as if he was sure of it... "Mom, you don't like having 3 kids huh?"  Hearing those words felt like my heart was being crushed inside of me.  I told him that I loved his Daddy and him and his brothers more than anything in the world and nothing makes me happier than our family.  I told him that I was so sorry for what I said and that I didn't mean it.  I told him that I sometimes make mistakes and I only said that because I was so sick.  I tucked him in and kissed him goodnight and then went to put Lincoln to sleep who was screaming and needing my attention.  After Lincoln finally went to sleep I pulled out one of my favorite books, "Guess How Much I Love You."  I went in and pulled Liam out of bed and told him that I wanted to read him a story.  I could hardly hold my tears back as I read that book to my precious little boy.  Then I went on to tell him a long list of all of the reasons why I love him.  I could see the joy in his heart and I knew that he knew that he was so loved.

I honestly don't know how to sum up this crazy post.  I just had to spit some of this out.  Life can be hard.  But people do care.  And oh how I love the boys in my life - even when I am so so sick.  Oh and I have to be really careful about what I say around my little ones - even when I am joking.